are you afraid of heights?

I have gotten into the bad habit of not blogging these past few years. Not blogging non-fiction, specifically, because I still post my silly sim stories all the time. But here, I’ll begin to write something, and then stop because it sounds stupid, or it’s too short, or it’s too without any point. I funnel a lot of whatever “worthy” thoughts I might have into my fiction or some random poem that nobody will ever see. But as soon as I have deemed an idea important enough to become something valuable, like a poem or a short story, that is also the point at which it is 95% more likely to never see the light of day. Even in the private space of my own quiet blog, I self-censor. You would think that here, of all places, I should say whatever the hell I want to say, relevant or not, long or short or stupid or profound.

I would like to tell myself that to say something, it does not always need to be important. It can just be.

CN Tower, Toronto

Are you afraid of heights?

I am not generally afraid of heights. Although, when we went to the CN Tower in Toronto this past winter, I could not bring myself to step out onto a reinforced and tested glass panel looking down 1,122 feet. I think I might have for about a second and it made my skin crawl.

MarysRock

Yet I can climb a mountain four times as high and sit on the edge of it for hours with my feet dangling off and be at complete and astounding peace. How does that make sense? Isn’t one thing infinitely safer than the other?

I have been working on a book for four years that has been beta read and edited, received positive feedback, and yet I’m terrified to publish it. On the other hand, every day I publish little bits of fiction on my blog stories that take me no more than a couple of hours to write.

Fears are weird.

 

4 thoughts on “are you afraid of heights?

  1. I am freaking the hell out just looking at that picture of your legs dangling off the mountainside! No way.

    I stood on the glass floor at Sears Tower (will NEVER call it Willis Tower – I was so bummed that they changed the name like 3 days before we visited!) and was okay. Didn’t want to stand on it too long but I was okay. Cliff faces and mountains though? Wouldn’t even climb them, lol!

    • Ha ha, we’re about opposites then. I think my logic is that I feel more secure if I have a mountain underneath me because a mountain is sturdier than glass, even if the glass is secure and the mountain is easy to fall off of. Perfect sense, lol!

  2. My thing is riding my motorcycle at speeds up to 60mph off road (or on roads that really aren’t much more than flatish ribbons of gravel) I’m also usually miles from anywhere. I wear all the gear and have a tracking unit that will at least give them a place to start looking for my body if things go pear shaped. Dangerous sure. Exhilarating totally.

    It’s hard to pull the trigger on a new book and put it out there. A big part of who we are is wrapped up in the pages and every negative review stings and even the good ones feel weird. I’m never fully happy with anything I put out but at the end of the day, isn’t it better to launch the thing and let it start it’s life?

    I’ve been a screenwriter for twenty plus years and when I send a script out into the world, the feedback I get back is very limited. I have one script still out there where the only contact I have is the producer reoptions the thing year after year and occasionally tells me who’s read it or is reading it. Other than that… nothing. But my books, I can see how they’re doing every day or even every hour and while that doesn’t define me, it’s cool to see that hundreds of people have read what I wrote and a few took the time to say they liked it (or didn’t) but they all read it and no matter what, that’s something.

    You’ve already been brave twice because writing a book is hard but publishing something and raising your head above the crowd is extremely brave.

    Hold on tightly, let go lightly.

    PS: Are you in Toronto or were you just visiting?

  3. (Hi, long-time lurker here!)

    I’m sure that people won’t mind if you post “unimportant” entries. Maybe I’m a bit odd, but I don’t think anything is unimportant. Everything has meaning, right?

    The CN Tower… yikes! I do have a fear of heights, and I would not be comfortable with that, ha!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *